It hasn't stopped raining since 8am. This morning, when I woke up, it wasn't raining yet. I was a little surprised at that fact. But soon before I went to school, it started up, and it hasn't stopped since.



I literally went to the bathroom for the sole purpose to sit on the lid and rest against the wall. Today I was so tired for some reason. I think it was the weather. I came back to coffee though! It really woke me up, and the cup was so beautiful.

Its really weird, when you reach that emotional plateau, where you feel like you are watching life from the outside. And more than that, you are okay with this fact. It is a lonely place, but you accept that loneliness as a part of life, instead of wallowing in it. It is a calm, clear feeling. A mature feeling. A god-like feeling.

When I was young, it was hard for me to run. I have a leg problem, and I tire really easily. But one day I just kept going. I stopped worrying about becoming tired, and in return, I overcame that problem of only being able to go so far. Sometimes if you push until you think you cannot go any further, you surprise yourself by surpassing your expectations of your abilities.

I was a little depressed today. I don't know why. It came on suddenly. Perhaps it was the weather. There is a typhoon bearing down on Japan right now, and actually because of the pressure change, I had vertigo pretty badly today, and I decided to go to the doctor. I waited for five minutes and was done in 15. Four medicines later and I was only out ¥720 total. Pretty nice.

I really miss Robby. Perhaps this is a result of watching all these darn shojo dramas. I don't know. I had no particular reason to be depressed, and saying the weather doesn't make much sense considering I had been praying for the rain and cold. But still, the constant rain falling silently under a muted gray sky does make one think. And thinking always leads to feeling.

I went to dinner alone tonight. I didn't want to make dinner because I was exhausted after shopping, so I went to a sushi place. When I was little, I hated being alone. I thought everyone was looking at me--pitying me, and not the good kind of pity, the pity where they secretly think they are better than you. I would walk panicked through the playground, feeling the oppressive weight of the stares of everyone around me--whereas they could probably care less.

In Japan, it is true though, everyone is probably staring at me, for one reason or another. But still, I like to be alone. It is sort of a stuck up feeling--a feeling that I am too good to be with other people. Well not really that, but sometimes when I get depressed, I get mad at others for no reason, and then I want to be alone. Tonight was no exception.

But it is nice to be alone. I sat and drank matcha tea and ate maguro, calamari and sweet potato. I tried to look content and not melancholy, as I often do look when I am alone, I am sure. I don't notice a lot of the time. And even though it doesn't matter, and I shouldn't really care, I don't want people to think I am alone for such a reason... that's one thing that matters to me.

Even if it doesn't.

Tonight I am so tired. I wanted to go to sleep a long time ago. But I had to write a bit. If I neglect such things, I feel I might forget who I am.

My eyes are really bothering me. *sigh*

I want a hug. But I don't want a hug from anyone. I want one from my best friend. It is hard not being able to have one whenever I need it. And in realizing such, I am again on the outside looking in.

Its not such a bad feeling, but thinking too much is making my head hurt. And if you think too much about it, you can fall back into sadness.

Oh, I bought a vacuum. Its awesome.

~Steph

I like to terrorize spiders. I don't know why. Ever day when I get home from work, or when I go out at night, I either bother this bee-like spider with a weed, making him attack it, or I break one of the strings holding a circular web. The web floats softly on the breeze while the spider runs for cover. But then, afterwards, I feel bad. The spider took all that time to build that web. And now it won't be able to eat dinner.

Oh well.

I was sad to find the bee-like spider gone this morning from its usual spot. Today was pretty ordinary, except for the extreme pain in my back and the parents coming to visit one of my schools. I had a good day though because I taught the 3.4 years at Sekioka. They are one of my top classes. Six kids total, five boys and one girl. One of the boys is the only 3rd grader in the school. I taught them 1-20, but they pretty much knew them already--even better than my 6th grade class at Higashidate. And they are really willing to learn.

Every class I have to usually ask the same two questions: "how are you?" and "how's the weather". Every time I ask how the kids are, they usually reply with the same "I'm fine, thank you, and you?" So I try to get them to say different things like "happy, sad, hungry, sleepy" etc. One of the kids said, right away, "I'm sick"--and he wasn't just being a brat, he really had a cold! I was proud. :)

So you might have a clue when it comes to the schools, here is a map:

A.) Higashidate Elementary School


This is my main school. Here is a view from the back of the school. It is the largest school with about 126 kids. There are 6 grades (years) and each year has one classroom. The biggest grade is year 5 with 28 students I believe. Everyone is nice and I really like the principal. She seems very kind.

B.) Ishii Elementary School

Ishii is the second largest Elementary school in the town, it has about 80 kids. Here each grade also has one classroom, but for English they combine the 1st and 2nd years. It is a newer school and has beautiful wood rooms.

This is a picture of the hall. No, I don't know who the creepy guy is. I found these on the internet. >.> I really like the staff here too. The kids are great too.

C.) Shimonosekigoudo Elementary School

I LOVE the staff at this school. They are always very kind and talk to me a lot, and the secretary makes me special drinks. This is the third smallest school with around 36 kids. This is the only school where I kind of have a "trouble" class. Half of the class just doesn't really care about English. I don't blame them, and I am trying to find ways to make it seem semi-interesting and challenging to them at least.

D.) Sekioka Elementary School

This is the 4th smallest, with 29 kids. There is only one kid in the 3rd grade! I love the 3.4 year class here. They are one of my favorites. The 5.6 HR teacher is always prepared, and he holds a lively and fun class. (Which means less work for me. :D)

E.) Uchikawa Elementary School

Uchikawa is TINY with only 24 kids. I really like the atmosphere though. They have English written everywhere, even on the stairs. (One does say "frying fish" though, and we are not talking about cooking. >.>) I should take some pics sometime. :D I LOVE the 1.2 years here. They are so freaking adorable. All the other grades are great too.

Well, I was going to show you some school lunch pictures, but I think this is enough excitement for tonight...

Oh and why was it a day of signing? Because I went to choir! The town has a choir, and my friend who had gone before went with me. Surprisingly, or maybe not, I was the youngest in the room. By probably at the least ten years and the most fifty-three. >.< I am going to go again though, it is fun, and there is no pressure. We sang Amazing Grace and three other Japanese songs. They are performing this Sunday, but I can't go. I don't see how much help I would be anyway, except for Amazing Grace I would just have to lip sinc (if we didn't have the sheet music). I guess I am performing on October 3rd though at a culture fair? I dunno...

Well I'm done for now. Until tomorrow chaps...

Gah, I just got a bad craving for Albertos. I really want some chips and guacamole. Robby and Dad keep asking me what I want in a care package, and if there were some gosh darn way to get it to me without spoiling, that would be my number one choice. -_-;;; Oh well...

And my stomach, it growls...

I never had the urge to take a bike ride during the night before; I could do just as well during the day. Considering, though, the day here is almost unapproachable, it does make sense that I would want to ride at night, and I did buy a bike light tonight, so there you go.

I took a short ride, around in a circle. It is still dreadfully sticky outside, but at least it is only 23 degrees right now, which in my opinion, is still way to hot for 10pm. I lied, 23 is like 74 degrees. But it is so darn humid that it feels much hotter. Yep, the humidity is just below 90%.

I talk about the weather too much... but honestly, here, you kinda live by the weather. Today I stayed in all day and did nothing. I also ran the AC. I really need to find my way over to the pool some day. I probably should build back up my strength a little before I do so though.

Speaking of pools, none of my elementary schools are allowed to swim in their own pools, so they take a bus to the big swim complex in town when they have swim class. At first I thought it was because the earthquake damaged the foundation or something. Well I didn't just think that magically, I was told it. But it wasn't damage that was the problem, it is concern over radiation. They are not allowed to use outside pools for a year because of potentially contaminated rain water.

If anyone was wondering if any damage was apparent from the quake, I am wondering the same thing too. It is really hard to tell whether seemingly damaged buildings are from the earthquake or before it. I haven't really seen much around here, except one of my school's gyms is not in use currently because of it. When I went to the beach a long time ago it was deserted, and I was told it was because people were afraid that bodies might wash up on shore as they enjoyed a weekend with their family.

It is funny how easily you can forget the horror of those days. "Good Luck Fukushima" signs are everywhere, and teachers are always wearing some sort of "we love Japan" T-shirt. I even saw an alcohol bottle that said "we need Fukushima", and ¥380 of the sale would go to a charity. I really hope to volunteer in Sendai soon. But its hard not to forget your ambitions.

Tomorrow is an easy day. I am teaching 2nd years "feelings" that they can use to respond to the question "how are you?" in the morning. It is good for them, because usually if you ask ANY Japanese person ANY age that question, they will respond with the same exact route memorization: "Fine, thank you. And you?"

In the afternoon I go to my favorite school, Uchikawa. I really do love all my schools, but I really like the kids here. (My favorite school for the staff is Shimonoseki, but honestly, everyone is really wonderful, especially my main school.) Uchikawa is a school of a total of 24 children. No, I am not kidding. It is my smallest school. They have three classes, 1st and 2nd year combo, 3rd and 4th year combo, and 5th and 6th year combo.

Tomorrow I am teaching the 5th/6th combo. They are learning "do you have ____". The teacher is always prepared so I do not have to stress very much over what I need to do. I usually just make sure to have a game and a warm up ready. Actually all my 5th/6th year teachers seem to be very well prepared, well, accept for one. But I am going to give said teacher a break, because I have only taught that class once. We will see next time... >.>

After that class I am going to try to hang with the 1st/2nd years. They are my favorite class so far. There are only six kids, and they are ALL boys. XD And one, I am guessing, has ADHD. They have a danged endless supply of energy. And it wears me out, but I love it. We were playing a game with numbers where you had to come together with the amount of people with the number I said. So "1" is by yourself, "2" is two people, etc. Half way through they just started holding onto each other and walking around. I couldn't help but laugh. I do feel bad for their teacher though. She must be in her late 50's or mid 60's.... and it is hard for me to keep up with them!

On Friday, after I finished my last class at the school, I came down to the first floor to see bottle caps EVERYWHERE. I wondered what the heck happened, until I saw the teacher and those little boys cleaning them up. >.< I think they were doing an art project with bottle caps, empty juice cartons, and paper cups... but how they ended up on three floors of the school I am not really sure.

I tried to use the situation to teach them a bit, like I was picking up the caps and I asked one of them how many were in my hand, or how many bottles were on the table. I want to steal one of the kids. He is the most adorable thing. He is really smart and always shouts out his answers, and I can see how he gets kinda nervous when I ask him directly that he sometimes says the wrong number, but he always corrects himself. Gah, he's so adorable! >.<

Well that's enough about going on about that... goodness, there is so much to catch up on. -_-;;; But that will make me say only the important stuff so that is good.

Oh, I forgot, I went out to dinner with a couple of friends, and of course, I forgot to take a picture of my food again because I was so hungry. It was the most wonderful sandwich I have ever had--most likely, probably due to the fact that I was starving. Japan has the cutest little cafe's, and this one is at the top of the places I have eaten at. The staff was so kind and the building was beautifully modern, with large glass panes and beautiful woods. I had a tomato, lettuce and egg sandwich with fries. I want another one this very moment.

To sleep!

When I am driving on the roads at night it is easy to forget where I am. It doesn't feel like I am in Japan anymore--it almost feels like I am somewhere close to home, like in the distance, just beyond the bend in the road, I will find something familiar, something I had long forgotten.

At night I feel the most happy and the most sad at the same time. It is a weird mix that ultimately ends in emptiness. The breeze seems to blow right through me. The lightning in the distance distracts my attention for just a moment, but really, there is nothing to be distracted from. Just miles of endless road.

The mountains are dark and it feels as if I am on a private journey up in the forest. Everything is bleak and muted and gives no hint of whether it cares I am here or not. Shadows blend into more shadows, and the light runs away from them all. As I listen to music I forget where I am for a while.

It is an odd sensation.

Well, it has been a while sense I have written. I at first didn't have much to say, and now I have too much to say. It will be hard to catch up. I have been putting it off for so long, so I am forcing myself now to write... or ramble as it were. It is my favorite kind of writing, rambling. But I am sure it is not very useful to a blog, feelings such as these.

Well I started school. I love it, I really do. Some days it is hard though, when I have nothing to do, and I have to struggle not to fall asleep at my desk. If I can't help it, I wander around a bit, or if it is the time for it, go out and play with the kids. I need to bring my better shoes for going outside though, I am pretty sure all my shoes will end up being ruined in the end.

Tonight there is a bright moon peaking out of the wispy clouds. Today was hot. So hot. This week, Wednesday perhaps, we had the most wonderfully cool day. There was a bit of a breeze blowing and the humidity was so low I barely thought it was humid at all, except in reality it was probably still more humid than it ever was back at home. I wish every day could have been so beautiful. Honestly, it was perfect, and it felt like the beginning of fall feels like at home.

Home. Where is that exactly? I have wanted to escape home for a majority of my life. I hate the clogged land and busy streets. I hate the broiling summers and the fires and the smog. But there are things I miss so much--like the beach, and the wind, and the mountains. (And of course, family and friends.) It is so beautiful here though, I will really miss it when I am gone. The people are so nice and I love my job (so far).

The bugs have mostly died off by now, meaning summer is coming to an end. I only hear cicada's ever so often, when the night used to be filled with their cries. The spiders have mostly gone too, I can actually count how many are left. The rice seems to be turning darker, and the days shorter. I can't wait for fall, but I am sure like everything else, I will miss some aspects of the summer as soon as it is gone.

I am very lonely lately. I don't know why. I mean I have always been lonely in particular, but I have never been keen on actually doing something about it. But it seems now whenever I meet up with friends, I don't want to go home. And it is not because I will become bored, because I have plenty to occupy my time with, but I just don't like going home to an empty apartment. I just realized that I have never lived alone. Even in college I shared a room, and also an apartment. It is just weird. It gets to your head. I love it and despise it at the same time.

I will write more of consequence tomorrow. Why is it when you are the most sad that you are the most creative? Someone once told me that all art comes from an uncomfortable place, or something to that effect. It is true. Sometimes when you are so tired, and you have cried as much as you can, and slept for as long as you can, all that is left is to create. Energy, weather light or dark, can not be trapped forever.

And please, don't worry. I believe myself to be being quite over dramatic. Probably. I am fine, just a little sad. I will blame it on the moon.

Now to finish my cheese cake! Yum!