I had a beautiful time, it just was lonely. No matter how fun the experience may be, alone is after all alone. And it is not that I was in need of a friend. I needed that special person far away from me.

This song explains today. It was calm, almost lazy. It was very unassuming, but not sad. It had its own energy, but did not feel the need to exude it. It was happy with a tinge of sadness. This was today.

This also was today. I wrote the words right after taking the picture, as with the picture at the beginning of the page. That is my number one rule with the book of days. I must write in the moment, otherwise the energy is lost. What I write does not have to explain the day or even make sense. It can be one word or a whole story. It is meant to convey a moment in time, a feeling of a day. I write it and I leave it. I don't change it in any way. It is what the day wanted to tell me, and I in turn, to tell you.


Goodbye October 17th, 2011. I'll say hello to tomorrow for you.

I took some pictures today! I decided that every time I wrote I would have at least one picture. Today I was lucky and took a lot of beautiful photographs!



Today I had a great day. ^ ^ It started out pretty crappy, but progressed into something pretty awesome.

The sun came out today, but I didn't mind it. It was a lazy sun, so it left me be. Ah, today was so beautiful.

At about 3pm I went out to a nearby cafe in a town north of me called Tanagura. (The real name is actually Tanakura, but because the people in Tohoku (that is, northern Japan) tend to change k's into g's, it became Tanagura by default.) The cafe is called Bond Cafe. It is situated against a hill with a heavy treeline. It is a very unassuming building on the outside, but beautiful within. I wish I took a picture of the outside... but here is my food!


This is my lovely iced tea! And look, you can see a bit of the cool interior. This place is quite expensive. ^ ^ It seems all cafe's are around here. This drink was ¥550... without alcohol mind you. It was a triple tea blend, and I can say, it was pretty much worth the money. (Considering a plain cola was ¥420 @_@)


I had a "fresh sandwich". Ahhh, avocado, hisashiburi~ (long time no see~). After not having toasted bread in forever, it was a glorious taste.


I just HAD to have dessert for some reason, so enter sponge cake. It was very fuwa fuwa, or fluffy.

After I ate, I went on a bike ride around the location of the cafe. Luckily there was a wonderful bike trail available.


Bike trails are so nice because you can ride freely without worrying about cars. Japanese roads are tiny so it becomes pretty nerve racking.

The trail followed a river. It made me sort of sad to see all kinds of trash on the banks. I can only hope that it ended up there through bad weather, and not human contamination.


After I went this way, then I went that way. The trail was really long I found out! I would like to ride it all someday soon.


The trail was flanked by brilliant yellow flowers and white reeds blown by the wind.


And by small two-man trains, that like the Cat Bus, dashed across fields and besides mountains.


It was such a beautiful day. I wish I could give it up to you, wrap it up in a package and let you feel its warm glow, its deep darkness. Pictures don't do the feeling a day brings justice. And even now, it is slipping from my grasp.

When I was little, I loved sitting outside and staring at the sky streaked with clouds. The wind would blow through my hair, caressing my face, as warm smells rose from the earth. It was spectacular, but at the same time overwhelmingly sad. Like the wind through my hair, the day was slipping through my fingers, and with the dusk the dazzling feelings of the day would succumb to time, fading into dissonance. I wanted to take the day and wrap it up, and hold it by my heart forever. It was to be called the "Book of Days".

Photos alone cannot give you a day. A day is many things. It images, and music, and breathing, and thinking, and running, and playing, and laughing, and crying. How can you truly let someone experience a day with you? You can only try your best in all things, but pictures alone cannot do that.

Words. Words don't mean much anymore, do they? We rely to heavily on what we see, and then we are deceived by their apparent meaning. And words themselves, how are they used? They are tossed aside in meaningless strings of sentences filled with futile wishes of disillusioned meaning.

I am sad to see the mistreatment of words and of language. Words are like music to me. They fill my heart with joy, traveling over them in peaks and falls, sentences lingering on the breath of the dawn. Somehow, some way, language came to be. It is truly a miracle. It is how we furthered our communication with one another. Without words, where would we be now?

I did not mean to tread on such tedious lineages. I have long since abandoned the words I used to love for fear, I too, would not give them justice. But I can hold back no longer. I cannot deny their passage any more. Thus, I will create a "Book of Days".

My my, look how gloomy I have made this all. ^ ^ It is so important to me I tend to be overly dramatic. I have decided I will take a picture that epitomizes the day, and then write something to go along with it. But I must write it in the moment. This is most important. I first thought it was just my way of excusing any failure, that if I did not like something, it was because I wrote it on the spot. But that kind of thinking is useless. If the energy is there, it will shine through.

I also want to pick a song--only if I find the right one. I love music, and I think it is the purest form of expression. I am very jealous that I can only listen and cannot play. But I can give life to it through words, and vice versa. Art is marvelous that way.

Sometimes I feel scared, that one day surely outshines another, and then that continues on until there is no reason left to write. But every day you are alive is a day to celebrate. And every story is worth telling.

I took this picture today, and I was going to break my rule once and write something to accompany it, but I decided against it. It just cannot work that way. I have a title for it only.

I'm tired of naming posts. D:

In the Japan of my dreams it was always raining. I don't know why, the rain just felt cozy and beautiful and mysterious. And that was what Japan was to me. Today I had my rainy Japan. I took a walk today up the road above my house and off of it through some rice fields. I also stopped by a shrine I hadn't yet seen before. Man, it is so pretty here. ^ ^

I'm trying to do my best and be productive even though I feel like doing nothing but sleeping. I am trying to take despair, and find the light in the darkness. But it is hard, and I am being bad. I am hoping to write a little tonight, but I don't know.

I am supposed to go to church tomorrow, but for some reason I am hesitating. I don't want to go by myself for some reason. Usually I am really good with going places by myself! But for some reason my resolve is wavering lately.

Aside: I'm watching TV and for some reason this guy was escorted out onto stage by two black women, while the Moulin Rouge "Lady Marmalade" played. It was weird. Oh, and now the girls are bringing out curry as the guy's omiyage, or, can't remember the word... what you give to people after you go on a trip.

Anyway, one of the reasons I don't want to go is because I am busy the next two Sundays...

Oh, now that dude snapped his fingers and said "funky girl again" and they now have come out with golf clubs for each band member of Arashi. Uh... >.>

So anyway, I am busy the next two Sundays. Next Sunday I am going on a trip with my school. Not sure exactly to where or what I will be doing, because I was too lazy to translate completely. And then the next Sunday, I am going to Miyagi prefecture to help clean people's houses that were affected by the earthquake/tsunami. I mean, it is not as if I will go every Sunday anyway, especially if I have something I have been invited too, but I just feel weird going one Sunday and then not until three weeks later.

Today, before I went out for dinner, I got caught up in a TV show about the tsunami. You know that famous picture of the girl crying by herself? This one?


This picture communicated so much sadness and grief and despair to me, I couldn't forget it. According to the show, the true story behind this picture is that this girl had just been let back in to her town for one hour, and she was desperately searching for her dog, who had been her best friend since she was in high school. After the quake hit she went to the store, and her dog, "Mai", tried to stop her, but she yelled at her, and told her to wait. When the tsunami came, she tried to go get her, but was stopped. So when she finally was able to go back, she couldn't find her, and she though she had died. But the awesome thing is, she finally did find her though! It was kind of like a Hachiko story. The dog waited, not even moving to eat. She would go up to young girls, until one day she found her owner! Such a great story out of all of that misery.

Okay... now I am a little pissed. >.> The story seems to be a bit different than what was on TV. I mean I guess it is the same enough, but the girl had 13 dogs and didn't live alone like they made it seem -_-;; Although you can't trust an online article either.

Today I went for sushi at a place I have been a few times. I wanted to get out. I was really lonely today but I didn't want to be with anyone in particular. It is times like these I wish they had late night cafes around here. I wanted to write a bit too where there was energy. But everything closes so early around here, so it is either go to the store and wander around, or go to kaiten zushi. I picked the latter.

When I was at the sushi place last time with my friend, two girls said in unison (about us) "kawaii!!" which means "cute". Now I like attention, but it is getting to me a bit lately. Like I would think I would not feel self concious about it; its nothing personal, its just cause I am a foreigner in a small Japanese town. But seriously, lately it has been getting to me. When girls say stuff like that, I want to respond with "ningyo mitai deshou?" which means "don't I look like a doll"? I mean, I really do want to look like a doll. It would be my dream to be a doll. But here it seems more as an objectification than anything. And thus, it is kind of annoying.

Tonight I got the usual looks, and at first I was really self conscious, but soon I was like, wth, what is the point?! lol Later on I noticed a little boy looking at me ever-so-often. At one point I waved at him and he got all shy and slid down in his seat. When it is kids, I don't mind. I love kids and I love interacting with them, so no harm there. ^ ^ When they got up to leave, it seemed as if his mom was trying to get him to come talk to me. Come to find out, I had met her before, at the sports festival in my town the last week. He was really cute, his name is Shimo and he was 6 years old. They invited me to come to their house someday soon. That would be fun.

Time to go. GAH. Decisions, decisions...

(I also kinda don't want to go to church cause it will just be another thing I have to leave when I leave Japan...)

Its raining tonight. It is such a nice sound. ^ ^

I thought the weather felt a little strange. Are you familiar with the term, earthquake weather? That's what it felt like--like there was a dull excitement floating through the air. The temperature was perfect, it wasn't hot or cold, it was just "dead". Like walking through luke-warm water.

And we did actually have an earthquake, although those are nearly a weekly occurrence, so I can't say for a fact the weather was any correlation. There was just an odd tension mixed with a euphoric peace--like the feeling you get when in love.

It is going to continue to rain throughout the weekend. That makes me really happy. :) I love the rain. I understand it better than the sun. I feel like I belong with the rain. In the sun I dry out, I can't open my eyes because it is too bright. I wilt. The rain revitalizes me. It brings me comfort, like a blanket surrounding the earth. The sky is too big without clouds. I feel lost when the sky is so wide.

I finished the drama Nodame Cantable today, and ahhh, it makes me wish I played an instrument. Although, the pattering of my fingers on the computer keys feels like playing a piano. I always thought the little pitter pat of the keys was a relaxing sound. It puts me in a kind of trance. Probably because it reminds me of writing, something I love to do.

I can play my vocal cords, does that count? Sadly, I am not dedicated enough for an instrument other that my own voice (and even that stretches my determination). Oh well. If I did play an instrument I would love to play the koto. I like actually touching an instrument with my fingers.

I had to leave early from school today. I was very sick and in pain, and I wouldn't have gone at all if I didn't have an important class to teach. The girls at the school were so nice to me though. One got me a hot water thingy to put on my stomach, and they kept asking if I were alright. The principle too was really nice. I was supposed to wait until lunch started to leave according to my company, and he was like essentially "whatever they don't know doesn't hurt them". Even though by that time it ended up I left essentially five minutes before that time, it still made me happy.

I got to talk to Robby today too, that was nice and made me feel a little better. ^ ^ Every time I talk with him my heart is refilled just a little more. I thought it might make things worse, talking often, but it does help, a lot. I can't explain why it does it just does.

Man the rain sounds wonderful. I should close my door, but I don't want to. There must be something deep within me that makes me love the rain so much. It has always been a comfort to me.

See you~

Everyday it hurts so much. I have never experienced this kind of pain. It almost feels like I cannot go on sometimes.

A while ago I shut out these feelings, pretended they didn't exist. But that made it even more painful. I convinced myself it was okay, when it wasn't. Even though the pain was different, it still hurt. It was an empty pain. A meaningless pain.

Right now the pain I feel is threatening to tear me apart. But like the sun tears apart the darkness in the morning sky, it is a pure pain, a pain that brings forth something better. However cliche, the phrase "better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all" comes to mind. When I neglected my feelings, I was lost, thrown blind into a forest of uncertainty. Even now I am still lost, but I know I will find my path someday soon. I know where my home is.

The cold weather is making me especially homesick. I love the fall, it is my favorite season. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas. I reheated my chicken soup for dinner and it reminded me of when I was little and we would stay, as a family, at a church lodge in the mountains. Some of my aunt's muffins, smothered in butter, would be wonderful right now. *happy sigh*

Speaking of feeling warm and comfy, remember the kotatsu? Now I still have neglected to take a picture, but I was watching a Japanese drama today, and they had this whole plot revolving around a kotasu that summed up the awesomeness of the thing perfectly! Please watch!

Watch: http://www.dramacrazy.net/japanese-drama/nodame-cantabile-episode-4/
(*Start from 6:00. The drama is called Nodame Cantable, it is a great drama and has fantastic music. :D)

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I am sick and I only have one class, which is this television thing between two schools, and like the whole country will be watching. To sum it up; it is really annoying and useless. But it is the last one! YAY!

I got invited to a cooking festival thingy at one of my schools today. It is next month. I am really excited! I really like that school. They also invited me to a speech festival! Sadly... I have to go to another school on the same day. D: I feel like the girl who was invited to the prom, and says yes, only to be invited to the prom by the person who she ACTUALLY wants to go with. >.> Well, not really. I am scheduled to go to school that day, and in exchange I get the 31st off! But still...

Okay, sleep time...

Hello!

Wow... I'm writing again today! Oh my.

I am thinking that if I write just a bit every few days, it won't be as stressful for me.

So today was a freaking CRAPPY day. I had my one school I don't really like, and I taught two classes. Then I taught two at the school I like. So long... but actually, it was kinda better cause I felt more awake all day.

I wore my engagement ring to school today because I was missing my fiance, but that got me attention. >.> I think that was one of the reasons I stopped wearing it in the first place. (And kids kept pulling on my hands and fingers.) Today, for some reason, even before they saw the ring, two 6th year students asked me if I had a boyfriend, how old he was, and what his name was. I made them ask in English, so at least they were practicing while asking odd questions! (They specifically came into the teacher's room to ask me these things for some reason... no clue what spurned it.)

Later in class when we were playing a game and I had a back to the boys, they noticed the ring, and started making a deal out of it. -__-;;; "Are you married?" they asked. They were also like "woa its big" and "was it expensive". Waaaaa, it is like the only thing I am awkward about, questions about my fiance.

BRB, I am making chicken noodle soup. :D Mainly because I am tired of miso. XD And it is nice and warm in this cooler weather. ^ ^

Noodles are done! Now I started the veggies: cabbage, mushrooms, carrots, and some white Japanese veggie I don't know the name of. >.< I am also going to make some chicken to put in it. :D

I can't wait until I am married though. Cooking for one is kind of unfulfilling and lonely. I will be so happy to cook for two!

I went for a bike ride after school for my exercise today. I took my bike down near the hotel in town in my car, and rode around on the trails through the rice fields. It was really pretty. I like that there are so many places I can go here, and so many beautiful places at that!

I do my best to walk, hike, run, jump rope or jump everyday. I am also eating better. I think I gained a little weight coming here. ;;>.> Its not totally my fault though! Haha. Well, the qyushoku, or school lunch, is over 600 calories every day. And you have to eat it all. ;-; But today I told one of the ladies at one of my schools who dishes the food out that I am on a diet, so if I could have half the normal amount, that would be great. Worked fine! Now for the other 4 schools... -__-

I think thats it... oh, and I miss having a garbage disposal. They don't have them in Japan, or at least not that much.

Bye!

I'm forcing myself to write. :P

I mean I want to write, but I don't really know what to write about. What do you think? What do you want to read about? Does anyone really read this anyway? >.>

I want to write about my kotatsu. I LOVE my kotasu. At first I was like, I don't need a dumb kotatsu! They are too expensive! But I gave in (not to mention it was only 4000 yen) and I loveeeeeee it. *hugs kotatsu*

What is a kotatsu you ask? A kotatsu is a table with an electric heater underneath it. The top surface slides off, and you put a blanket in between the top and the frame to keep the heat in. Then you put your legs underneath, and you are warm! :D So you don't have to heat a whole room to be warm. (Plus heating a whole room in a Japanese style apartment is futile because the heat escapes so easily.)

I bought the cutest blanket the other day, even though the store tricked me into thinking it was on sale. I'll take a picture later!



So I climbed a mountain the other day! To the top it was around 2170 meters (like a mile one way), and it was uphill the ENTIRE way. You can imagine how much this hurt my legs. I wanted to stop a bunch of times but I am like "no way, I came this far, I'm going the whole way!" I wish I brought my camera, but I didn't feel like dragging it around. I did so on purpose too so as to force myself to go back again... eh, I don't think that plan worked very well. It just hurt too much! Took about an hour up, and a half an hour down.

So I was like 2/3rds of the way down and I was like, man, it seems to have gotten pretty dark... mind you it was only around 4:50 at this time, but it was already getting to that point at twilight where it is really difficult to see. Later I checked an the sun sets at freaking 5:12 now! So that got me scared... and the forest, of course, was even darker. I don't know what it is about this place, but when it is dark, it is dark. So I ran down the mountain (luckily here it was flatter, and I was following a trail that was cut by runoff, so it was easier to detect.) If I was like 10 minutes later I might have been trapped. >.< But everyone, no worries! I learned my lesson! I actually had bought a flashlight that day, but it didn't come with batteries. >.>

Oh, and the top of the mountain was beautiful! I could see the entire town and even over to my house, which was about three miles away from where I parked at least. There was a little shrine and also a statue of Buddha I believe. It was so quiet, but not quiet enough to be creepy. There was also a trail that branched off to the south, and after a steep climb I was even higher and I could see so far and into the neighboring town of Daigo (and actually, neighboring prefecture of Ibaraki.) I could see hawks flying and there was a slight breeze. I was thinking it would be beautiful to stay the night up there once. I don't think anyone actually climbs all the way to the top, except for stupid foreigners like me. ^ ^



The thing I love about this place is how beautiful it is. I can drive 5 minutes after work and go hiking on a wonderful mountain with changing leaves, and deep dark forests, and clear rivers. I think I am going tomorrow as well, especially if my last school is near the mountain.


There are beautiful shrines around every corner, and hidden treasures scarred by age and obscured by the forest around them. There are festivals full of spirit nearly every month, loud and bright and exciting.

And the rivers are so darn clear!!!

I would love to be able to live here a bit more, but only if Robby could live here too. (I have missed him terribly lately.) I really feel comfortable here, and I love the kids. (Well at least most of them...) ^ ^ But I would only stay if I could teach elementary school.

I had a great day today. It started out miserable, but I had great classes in the morning and then I played with the kids after lunch. We played demon tag, which is tag, but the person who is "it" is an "oni" or a demon. We also played demon tag, high and low. The rule of this one was you are safe if your feet aren't touching the ground.

This little second year stuck to me like glue. Her name is "Kokoro-chan" (kokoro means heart) and she would always hold my hand and follow me anywhere. Usually she is really shy and doesn't talk, but she was really energetic at recess. It was funny, whenever I was running away and the oni wasn't close, she would say "daijoubu yo" which means "its okay!" XD

I love that school, Shimoseki, because all of the kids play together... from 12 years old to 6 years old. It is so cool to see the whole school in a small place, all playing together. (There are about 36 kids total.) The kids always ask me to play too. This one girl always is the go-between it seems, and constantly asks me if I understand what she is saying. OH! And this boy asks me today, "Can you speak in Japanese?" And I am like "yeah..." so he next asks, "which is easier to speak, English or Japanese?" I answer with a firm "English" and later, when he is telling his friend what I said, he is like "well it makes sense, cause she was born in a foreign country." Hahaha. No...

Okay I'm done. I want to go sleep but I should clean because my house is a WRECK. Plus dinner might be a good idea...