Its really weird, when you reach that emotional plateau, where you feel like you are watching life from the outside. And more than that, you are okay with this fact. It is a lonely place, but you accept that loneliness as a part of life, instead of wallowing in it. It is a calm, clear feeling. A mature feeling. A god-like feeling.

When I was young, it was hard for me to run. I have a leg problem, and I tire really easily. But one day I just kept going. I stopped worrying about becoming tired, and in return, I overcame that problem of only being able to go so far. Sometimes if you push until you think you cannot go any further, you surprise yourself by surpassing your expectations of your abilities.

I was a little depressed today. I don't know why. It came on suddenly. Perhaps it was the weather. There is a typhoon bearing down on Japan right now, and actually because of the pressure change, I had vertigo pretty badly today, and I decided to go to the doctor. I waited for five minutes and was done in 15. Four medicines later and I was only out ¥720 total. Pretty nice.

I really miss Robby. Perhaps this is a result of watching all these darn shojo dramas. I don't know. I had no particular reason to be depressed, and saying the weather doesn't make much sense considering I had been praying for the rain and cold. But still, the constant rain falling silently under a muted gray sky does make one think. And thinking always leads to feeling.

I went to dinner alone tonight. I didn't want to make dinner because I was exhausted after shopping, so I went to a sushi place. When I was little, I hated being alone. I thought everyone was looking at me--pitying me, and not the good kind of pity, the pity where they secretly think they are better than you. I would walk panicked through the playground, feeling the oppressive weight of the stares of everyone around me--whereas they could probably care less.

In Japan, it is true though, everyone is probably staring at me, for one reason or another. But still, I like to be alone. It is sort of a stuck up feeling--a feeling that I am too good to be with other people. Well not really that, but sometimes when I get depressed, I get mad at others for no reason, and then I want to be alone. Tonight was no exception.

But it is nice to be alone. I sat and drank matcha tea and ate maguro, calamari and sweet potato. I tried to look content and not melancholy, as I often do look when I am alone, I am sure. I don't notice a lot of the time. And even though it doesn't matter, and I shouldn't really care, I don't want people to think I am alone for such a reason... that's one thing that matters to me.

Even if it doesn't.

Tonight I am so tired. I wanted to go to sleep a long time ago. But I had to write a bit. If I neglect such things, I feel I might forget who I am.

My eyes are really bothering me. *sigh*

I want a hug. But I don't want a hug from anyone. I want one from my best friend. It is hard not being able to have one whenever I need it. And in realizing such, I am again on the outside looking in.

Its not such a bad feeling, but thinking too much is making my head hurt. And if you think too much about it, you can fall back into sadness.

Oh, I bought a vacuum. Its awesome.

~Steph